biographical supreme dump long read have a coffee
let me preface this by saying that yea i probably am an emo fag and if i was 15 id hate my parents and have a fauxhawk
also im tired and i really am not paying attention to grammar all that much so forgive me if i like run on sentence and punctuation sucks


so i find something today that tilts me up a little bit. this shouldn't have tilted me up but it did and i have a slight idea why - it just shouldn't have thrown me off as much as it did.

anyway, i go through the spectrum of emotions as is common when i'm bent up and i call egod who is on his way to mardi gras. ok im going to type in mainly run on sentences

i dont even know if im me - like i feel like im being someone else or something, but i am being me you know - backstory though

when i was in elementary school, i used to wish i would wake up as someone else - i would even dream about it - like these kids in elementary school all the girls lusted after as much as elementary school kids do. ive said this story to some but i will continue it for the first time for the internet

growing up, i could hang out with the cool kids, but i wasnt really one of them - much like any other transient geek would be. i was always slightly off color and people would be like wtf youre kind of a freak and id be like ya lol

culminating in one of my fondest memories ever, in my 8th grade year i was completely infatuated with this girl katey - like borderline stalking her - wow come to think of it ive always had dg tendencies of pulling infos and haxing yay epiphany - anyway i would draw comics and shit and like invent these scenarios where wed like meet up in college and then fall madly in love with each other - i used to write her lots of notes and give her presents but mainly she just strung me along and wound up dating this dude michael and then i drew comics about hurting him - boy you are a fucking psycho bryce

anyway then high school came and it was pretty much prime for reinvention - i grew my hair out long, dressed like a scrub and sat in the park and played guitar for hours on end while i skipped class. i was in IB so most of the people were smart but there were still fairly definitive cliques in the mix which again i didnt identify with a particular one. i sort of outcast myself in a way but again maintained pretty much transparent affiliation so that i could mingle with any particular crowd and hack the gibson accordingly

i was still a little weird though - in high school we werent allowed to wear chain wallets because they could be construed as a weapon so i made a chain out of straws - at lunch i used to do magic tricks with straws to impress the chicks at zuka juice boy did i rock face

anyway then my jr year rolls around and my friend tyler talks me into cutting my hair - i have a high forehead and its been the butt of a ton of jokes because people seem to think im balding but really it just holds my giant brain - but i cut my hair and i looked fly whew

i had started spamming slightly before this and i was making a shitload of money while all my friends worked dead end jobs - i used to keep a grand rolled up in my sock and i bought all the flyest ecko gear i could get my hands on - i totally reinvented myself and wasnt a scrub anymore i looked sharp and wore the sexy clothes and did it all myself yay go me

ok so here i am making loads of money as an insecure kid and i bought an entirely new image - never took school seriously at all and had a ton of teachers telling me what an idiot i was but i knew better because i could slap them in the face with my spam checks which probably equaled their yearly salary - my parents wouldnt let me get a license unless i got good grades and fuck them because i got a license when i turned 18 but i probably would have been driving a sick ass car paid for

so now all these people are wondering how im so flashy balling etc while they are working at starbucks or something but whatever then i gained a lot of fake ass friends and just spent money on them because yay im cool now holler but it really pissed me off because inside i didnt want to be doing this i was buying my influence and while it felt good to be nice to other people they werent really as nice back

then i hack nasa, etc.

immediately all those quirky things i did throughout my life became cool and people would recognize me and be like wow you cool and im like ya whatever lol - i was rapping by this time simply as a hobby and people were jocking that no matter how corny or dumb the shit was it was like now these people are just latching on because im a pseudo celebrity fake faggots blah whatever

the reason our sr yearbook was so shitty is because i led this strike and had the whole staff divided i totally forget why i did that but anyway when i went down dan fava made sure i got my half page spread so yall can remember me for life

ok so had a couple girlfriends blah blah they were cute etc and fresh after dropping out of high school im getting job offers from NAI in santa clara for 90k a year flying to vancouver and chicago and living a fucking rockstar life at 17 not even having a ged yet i was like fuck lol life 2 d max making cheddar etc etc

then i started doing a shitload of drugs to fit in with this gangster clique i really had zero business being in but whatever the mind of a geek is to assimilate every walk of life as best possible so i spent a whole lot of loot on drugs got myself a car started dealing drugs jacking fools whatever and most of my friends wound up imprisoned and i had a couple guns to my name

the catalyst though was when i was stabbed in the neck when it was 2 vs 40 and the 40 were my side but sadly only 4 people threw fists - me steve thiel jason paoli and adrian lewis - this made me not trust friends and not trust strangers to any degree ironically all of those people i mentioned including myself have been to jail and two of them are currently on parole - matt rose was a down ass gangster too hes also on parole but he repped for the NGK massive himself

ok so im getting sidetracked i attempted suicide by stabbing myself in the arm when the cops were breaking down on us because i figured if i died it would divert some of the attention which was stupid in retrospect but really i think i just didnt want to live anymore

i spent almost the entire month of november 2000 in a hotel room doing nothing but ecstacy and coke

jolene helped me out of all that shit though - we quit doing hard drugs together in march of 2001 it was nice we had our laughs etc

why am i still typing i should just continue this later

eh fuck it ill segue a bit

the more i realize it in context now the jolene i loved and cared about was so much different than the jolene of today - shes probably trashed out of her mind taking it in her holes right now and having a wonderful time with someone whos taller and buffer than me while my innocent, beautiful daughter is sleeping in the room next to mine like an angel

but egod said something very interesting to me on the phone and it will probably stick with me forever

you know, no matter how rich or tall or buff or anything someone is they cant keep up with our pace
this is motherfucking stc and our potential vs kinetic energy is completely internalized we basically write our own destinies in life

6 years ago i had already accomplished more in my life time than most people do when they are 80 - now at 23 years old whereby i spent the last 5 an a half years of my life in what now seems like a dead end marriage of which the only product worth a shit was my daughter

i have my wonderful caring fans that send me messages daily about how im hitting them in the chest and mindpieces
ive done over 140-150 tracks
i own multiple companies
im a professional dj and mc
i can do anything with a computer

so why do i let myself get depressed

i know i hate failing
i know i hate wasting time

and maybe thats why im so fucking down
but even when things are things im down
i dunno

im even on meds now and shit but things are still awkward like my entire life is some surreal dream
bleah yea ill type later